Whore

Dear Diary,

The world is mostly populated (mostly) by free loading-under-the-poverty-line whores. Whores (whores) all of them whores (whores). What makes them whores? Well, my dear Diary, the fact they take money for sex! IT defines them!

Why do I care? Well, I don't want to ever see a pie chart that lists the world population as 25% white, 25% black, 25% whatever yellow skinner mother fuckers, and 25% whores. To fix this.... the chart will read like this.

50% whites, 50% black.

a second chart will read....

50% yellow skinner mother fuckers, 50% sentient property.

When I see sentient property, I am referring to the fact whores are objects. I wouldn't say property because you pay tax on property. The only tax you pay on whores is the Department of Health bill.

You don't have to pay the health dept. by the way. I cheated them out of some money.... three times.

Do you see where I am getting at, my dear Diary? Make sure next time you walk into a store, and you some scantly clad dressed whore come behind you... stop, close the door, and make her open it for you. For all she knows you will be her next customer.

Also, never visit the same whore twice. I heard they wear down with age. Once you think a whore is useless as a service providing object (like robots and jews!), make sure you kill the whore and dump her in a river (fish food). So, Diary, next time you go looking for a robot/object service.... look no further then your local home depot (yellow skinner mother fucker whores!)!!!!11!!!

Love, now and forever
Jeffy Jeff!

Crack

Dear Diary,

Don't smoke crack, Diary. It's not good for your health or mental state. Very bad stuff.... specially the discount crack you get from hookers.

No diary, not that crack.... the kind you smoke. Anywho, if you smoke crack, I will be very dissapointed.

That brings me to my next topic....

Don't smoke crack.

Love, now and forever,
Jeffy Jeff


P.S. Don't smoke crack!

FEH FEH

Dear Diary

I have been away for some time, and for that I am sorry. You will be glad to hear I have a new job, my loving diary. Well, I had it since mid January, but it is new information to you. I work for a company called Hemlock Semiconducter! They pay me money!!!!!1!!1!!! It's a good job with good pay and some benefits.

Diary, I am still in a relationship with Cari, so no sex for you.

Well.... maybe a little. I love you too diary!

Well, Diary, my main topic for discussion today is a heated debate in the news... "Is exposing one self to kids at Chuck E' Cheese bad."

Now, I know what you're thinking, Diary, of course it isn't! How can it be? But I assure you, the cops told me it is. It is a very bad thing to do. Apparently cops will even go as far as arresting you (or beating you if you are Black or Mexican) for doing this act. Now, I didn't believe it at first, so I continued doing it until I was caught again at a place called "Genjie's Japanese Steakhouse." Diary, I just couldn't help it! I was watching this cook guy flip all this food onto this giant skillet and I couldn't keep myself calm. I felt the only way to express my enjoyment of the show was to expose myself to the 8 year old's birthday party across the room.

By the way, Diary.... I need you to bail me from jail.

well, Diary it is time for me to go!

Love, now and forever
Jeffy Jeff

Fire Bad

Deaar Diary

It seems at least once a day I manage to burn myself. I really need to learn about the dangers of fire. If it isn't a george forman grill, it's me handling hot cookie sheets without hot pads. Don't even get me started on the dangers of freshly microwaved hot pockets.

While I'm thinking about it, I should also learn to chew my food. Tortilla chips don't work well in large sharp peices in the throat.

I need to make a note to reteach myself how to eat. The art of chewing and not burning myself. I know these may seem like relatively simpl acts to most of you.... but to me it is more difficult then getting kids in a van without the aid of candy or ice icream.

Love, now and forever
JEFFY!!!!!11!!!!LOL!

Food

Dear Diary,

I am hungry, so here goes...

Love, now and forever

Jeffy JEFF!

OMG ALMOST CHRISTMAS!

Dear Diary,

I can't waaaaaait until Christmas! I want to walk int he snow, and I wanna make cards, and I wanna walk in the snow, and and I wanna ride a polar bear, and I wanna befirned a penguin, and I wanna go on a magical mystical adventure with my new animal friends, and I wanna eat snow cakes....

If snow cakes exist.

Love, now and forever

Jeffy Jeff!

Strung Out

Dear Diary

Today has been fuuuun! I started the day by only sleeping an hour and a half and drinking a bunch of really super duper strong coffee. Keep in mind my dear Diary, that I still haven't had a real sleep in a couple days. So my Mommy and I went to the store to barter our way into some soda pop for Thanksgiving! It was exciting! I traded away my brother Nick's soul in exchange for one plastic 2000ml container of soda. This being a deal, of course because little did the merchant know that my brothers soul in only worth approximately 42 cents. Next, we went to the party of choice for the evening. It consisted of two family elders, a mother, a boyfriend, a souless bastard of a brother, the son of a boyfriend, and myself (OMG JEFFY JEFF!!!1LOL!). I started my evening by pouring wine and looking forward to my general spiral into madness much like my usual Easter madness). After a few glasses of wine however, I soon discovered I wasn't the only one drinking that wine, and it was soon empty.

....Then, to my horror... I discovered it was the only alcohol in the house!...

NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

In my panic I suggested making a beer run but the idea was quickly shot down by my Mommy with, "Jeff! Quiet down, be good! Why do you have to do this today?"

I responded with, "Because I love you."

She follwed up my quick thinking, "Be good!"

Because I love my Mommy very much. I decided to be good by not drinking when she was in sight. I have stashes all over the place (cars and 7-11's across the street sorta thing)... So I proceeded my enjoyment of the dinner party by going for a walk with my Mommy's partner man guy and drinking my much craved brandy.

I was like, "Chillaaaaax, maaan! She won't know a thing."

And then I sat off to the corner thumbing through black friday ads... wondering who is going to be shot for a teddy bear, reduced by 50%.... and can dance.... like an idog... or...

an iJeffy.

Plug iJeffy into your MP3 player, and iJeffy will lip sync your songs, dance like a.... yeah...

iJeffy also randomly shrieks obscenities at people who really don't deserve it.

This would be the commercial for iJeffy.

*******
A kid (male) wakes up from bed late a night. He is obviously spoiled because he has a Halo 3 comforter with matching sheets on his bed, and a Superman Returns pajama top with matching bottom. He also smiles.... spoiled brat mother fucker....

Kid gasps
KID: It's Christmas!

Kid runs down stairs shrieking like a mandrake root on acid.

Kid gasps

Camera pans to tree, it has many a gift under the tree, but standing right in the middle of the room is a life sized robotic Jeffy... the iJeffy.

KID: OMG U GUYS! IT'S iJEFFY!

the iJeffy activates...

IJEFFY: I am iJeffy, what would you have of me, my Lord?

KID: OMG!!!!11 LOL! Dance for me iJeffy, dance!

IJEFFY: What song would you like me to dance to?

KID: Avril Lavigne!

IJEFFY: Fuck you.

kids gasps....

IJEFFY: I will now entertain you with my interpretive dance of "Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald."

iJeffy dances to the "Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald."

KID: This song sucks!

IJEFFY: No, you suck.... whore...

screen fades to black

a sudden image of iJeffy appears with black backbround with the words 'BUY ME OR DIE' written a tthe bottom of the screen in red.

*****************

Love, now and forever!
Jeffy McJeffers!