Food

Dear Diary,

I am hungry, so here goes...

Love, now and forever

Jeffy JEFF!

OMG ALMOST CHRISTMAS!

Dear Diary,

I can't waaaaaait until Christmas! I want to walk int he snow, and I wanna make cards, and I wanna walk in the snow, and and I wanna ride a polar bear, and I wanna befirned a penguin, and I wanna go on a magical mystical adventure with my new animal friends, and I wanna eat snow cakes....

If snow cakes exist.

Love, now and forever

Jeffy Jeff!

Strung Out

Dear Diary

Today has been fuuuun! I started the day by only sleeping an hour and a half and drinking a bunch of really super duper strong coffee. Keep in mind my dear Diary, that I still haven't had a real sleep in a couple days. So my Mommy and I went to the store to barter our way into some soda pop for Thanksgiving! It was exciting! I traded away my brother Nick's soul in exchange for one plastic 2000ml container of soda. This being a deal, of course because little did the merchant know that my brothers soul in only worth approximately 42 cents. Next, we went to the party of choice for the evening. It consisted of two family elders, a mother, a boyfriend, a souless bastard of a brother, the son of a boyfriend, and myself (OMG JEFFY JEFF!!!1LOL!). I started my evening by pouring wine and looking forward to my general spiral into madness much like my usual Easter madness). After a few glasses of wine however, I soon discovered I wasn't the only one drinking that wine, and it was soon empty.

....Then, to my horror... I discovered it was the only alcohol in the house!...

NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

In my panic I suggested making a beer run but the idea was quickly shot down by my Mommy with, "Jeff! Quiet down, be good! Why do you have to do this today?"

I responded with, "Because I love you."

She follwed up my quick thinking, "Be good!"

Because I love my Mommy very much. I decided to be good by not drinking when she was in sight. I have stashes all over the place (cars and 7-11's across the street sorta thing)... So I proceeded my enjoyment of the dinner party by going for a walk with my Mommy's partner man guy and drinking my much craved brandy.

I was like, "Chillaaaaax, maaan! She won't know a thing."

And then I sat off to the corner thumbing through black friday ads... wondering who is going to be shot for a teddy bear, reduced by 50%.... and can dance.... like an idog... or...

an iJeffy.

Plug iJeffy into your MP3 player, and iJeffy will lip sync your songs, dance like a.... yeah...

iJeffy also randomly shrieks obscenities at people who really don't deserve it.

This would be the commercial for iJeffy.

*******
A kid (male) wakes up from bed late a night. He is obviously spoiled because he has a Halo 3 comforter with matching sheets on his bed, and a Superman Returns pajama top with matching bottom. He also smiles.... spoiled brat mother fucker....

Kid gasps
KID: It's Christmas!

Kid runs down stairs shrieking like a mandrake root on acid.

Kid gasps

Camera pans to tree, it has many a gift under the tree, but standing right in the middle of the room is a life sized robotic Jeffy... the iJeffy.

KID: OMG U GUYS! IT'S iJEFFY!

the iJeffy activates...

IJEFFY: I am iJeffy, what would you have of me, my Lord?

KID: OMG!!!!11 LOL! Dance for me iJeffy, dance!

IJEFFY: What song would you like me to dance to?

KID: Avril Lavigne!

IJEFFY: Fuck you.

kids gasps....

IJEFFY: I will now entertain you with my interpretive dance of "Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald."

iJeffy dances to the "Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald."

KID: This song sucks!

IJEFFY: No, you suck.... whore...

screen fades to black

a sudden image of iJeffy appears with black backbround with the words 'BUY ME OR DIE' written a tthe bottom of the screen in red.

*****************

Love, now and forever!
Jeffy McJeffers!

Can't Sleep

Dear Diary

Today is going to be a funny day! I haven't slept and I've been up all night with Anna watching her (and occasionally) helping her on her project. It is a super awesome project on the history of stoves! Now Diary, I try not to have these thoughts, but after about ten minutes I really considered killing myself. Now, do not worry dear Diary, for I am much more stable then that! Silly Diary, getting all worried....

Diary, I have an interview today and I'm reeaalllly nervous! What if I crash and burn! OR just burn (much like the Jews did in WWII)? I don't know what I would do! I would probably go on a three day drinking binge and humiliate myself in front of my family for sport... well, I'm going to do that anyways because HELLO!? Turkey Day is just around the corner!

Now, since I am going to be sooo busy, I'm going to list what I am thankful for right this veeerrry second.

Dear Diary and Mr. Jesus,
Thank you for:
Cari
Anna
Kelly
Bunny Rabbits
Mom
Dad
Andrew
Nick
Friends (sorry guys, so many! all one of you ;) )
Pie
Mozilla
Al Gore
Stoves
Fire
Rope
Rice Patties
Helicopters
Agent Orange
Pills
NyQuil
Shoes
Neck Ties
Wireless Keyboards
Beer
Beer
Beer
Beer
Beer
Beer
...
..
.
ANYWHO!

I'm like SUPER STOKED for Thanksgiving! I get to eat, and be with my family, and drink three gallons of wine! SUPER TIMES!

Well Diary! I'm off to surf the internet (Thanks AL Gore!) some more!

Love, now and forever!
Jeffy Jeff....